I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
