My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Pants are for mortals
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