He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
