o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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