i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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