Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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