I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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