If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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