he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize