I want you more than these girls want KFC
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
