Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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