"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize