We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize