I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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