im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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