john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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