My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
