Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
