i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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