If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize