There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
