I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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