After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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