Pregnant stripper...not hot.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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