i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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