I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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