Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
