Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
