when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
