I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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