omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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