I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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