Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
