the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
