I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
