Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i barfeds in our rink
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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