Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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