PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
