i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
