My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
