I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
