I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
