You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
