hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
