Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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