I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
