god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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