My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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