My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
