Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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