Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
