On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
