Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize