Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
