She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
