I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
