How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
