There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
