from now on my penis is your penis
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
