is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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