"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
