when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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