Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you never un-have a 4some
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
