Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
