i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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