Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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