I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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