Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
