I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
