1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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