just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
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