if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
