please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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